Located at the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Catholic Handbook PURL: http://purl.oclc.org/NET/lgbh/ [A PURL is an OCLC maintained "Persistant URL" which will always point to the real location of a website] A Member of Integrity on Lesbians and Gays and Suicide The email list Gaynet had a period in which it occupied itself with advice to a very depressed anonymous subscriber. Initially, this man asked for just one good reason to live - and people snowed him with stories about chocolate and sunsets. He wrote back, and basically trashed it all, saying that his life was awful, that he was ugly, that noone have ever loved him, and so on. In response Dr. Ann Carlson, a member of Integrity, wrote this note. People sometimes talk about evangelisation, but I think in this note, without ever once directly mentioning the Lord or her faith, she shows what it is to really witness to the transforming power of grace in ones life. [Dr. Carlson gave permission for this text to remain on the LGB Catholic Handbook] ******************************************************* Subj: Re: Living with nothing? From: Ann Carlson email: acarlson@widomaker.com [current email address] Date: 15 Feb 1994 14:14:01 GMT Dear anonymous, You wrote >Do you know what its like to go though life ugly? And I don't just >mean unattractive, but I mean UGLY. People scamper away from >me in disgust asI walk the hallowed halls of this fine midwestern >university. I'm thekind of person somebody goes out with when >they lose a bet. I know. It's happened. Yes, I do know what it's like to be repulsive to others. I went through school in a big steel contraption to keep my back straight, since I have scoliosis. These days you can almost not tell a person wearing a similar back brace, but in my day they made no concession for appearances. I looked like I was wearing some kind of space suit or steel cage. Not only did people scamper away in disgust, it used to be great fun for them to try to topple me over, as my balance in such a thing was precarious at best. They used to poke things between the bars to see if it would hurt me. I too only got asked out or flirted with because people had been put up to it as a dare. Did you think you were in some kind of unique situation? Plenty of people have gone through similar situations and learned to live with it. This doesn't automatically make life meaningless. >You know, I've NEVER had someone call me for purely >social reasons. Not just seldom, but NEVER. Good (I thought) >friends who said they'd call never do, and I grow tired of chasing >them down finding out why. And this hasn't happened once, or >twice, or three times, but time after time after time. Always. I used to sit all alone in the corner whenever I went to a party or social function, if you could get me to one at all. I wanted people to approach me and show that they cared about me. I wouldn't go even to an open invitation function if nobody specifically asked me. I wanted to *know* people wanted me there. And, of course, nobody ever did approach me and people wouldn't specifically ask me to be at things. People now tell me that I used to look so angry/sad that they were afraid of me and didn't think I'd be much fun to be with. I'm sure I was not fun. I was so concerned about how I felt that I had no energy left over for trying to make other people feel comfortable, feel attractive and wanted, enjoy themselves. I guess I thought everybody except me had it all together, so I deserved the special treatment and didn't need to respond in kind. Well, I was wrong. I went to a gay pride social the other day and had several people walk up and give me a hug. Some even had to reintroduce themselves because I didn't remember who they were. I was really touched and suprised by all the affection because I really haven't been worrying about being liked recently. What I have been doing is seeing how much there is that I have access to that other people really need. I've developed a very good library of books on gay issues over the years, have accumulated lots of addresses of good organizations and helpful periodicals. Yet, I was still hearing stories about people coming out and not knowing where to get help or information. So, this year I sat down and compiled a bibliography of the books that I own with short summaries and my phone number for people who might want to ask questions or borrow books. I had the bibliography copied and handed out at our gay pride festival. I also compiled a list of addresses for religious gay-advocacy groups and another for periodicals and had those lists copied and handed out. I'm starting a local Integrity chapter - the lesbian and gay justice ministry of the Episcopal Church. I've got the time and resources to do the initial organization work, and I saw what I believe is a need in our area for this organization. I've written a few letters to the paper and done a few other things publically to take a stand on gay issues. I didn't start doing any of this stuff because I wanted to be liked or to feel better about myself. In fact, I find a lot of what I've been doing to be gut-wrenchingly difficult. I've drawn homophobe attacks, and also been embroiled in some in- fighting that goes on in gay rights organizations. I've been exhausted and seen a need so great that I wonder if my efforts could ever even amount to a drop in the bucket. Sometimes I'm still pretty lonely, like when old friends and family have written me off because of my pro-gay activism. But, sometimes lately people make it a point to come by and tell me how much something I've done has meant to them, and sometimes people I hardly know come up to me and ask for a hug. I suppose if I were asking whether life had meaning just for myself I'd still wonder whether I should end it, but I can't deny that some things I've been able to do have made a difference for other people. For me, that is a good enough reason to go on. But an added pleasure is that other people are starting to make a difference for me in a big way. Dr. Ann B. Carlson a.b.carlson@larc.nasa.gov